It's said that there's always sunshine after the rain... I'd like to know when my storm is going to end. You get tired of the rain when it seems to fall infinitely. Just when the sun starts to appear, another shower falls and turns into a raging storm. The storm may subside but the rain continues to fall. I ask the Lord, "why me?" or "will the storm ever end?" I try to do right by myself and others and put my all into anything I do or any relationships (platonic or romantic) I have but my all never seems to be good enough for some. When will I finally get my chance at true happiness? To be honest, I haven’t been 100% happy in years. This shit (excuse the language) is for the birds. We all have the free will to make decisions for ourselves and it seems as if my decisions are mainly at my detriment. Initially, the decision seems to be a good one until all goes awry. I’m not purposely sabotaging myself for self-imposed torture; it’s more of impatience. In general, I’m a logical person but when it comes to my happiness, the heart tends to overshadow my better judgment. Those who know me well are aware that the strong and tough persona is somewhat of a façade. I can be quite emotional but never show it. I don’t want others to see that sensitive side because I perceive it as weakness.
As I reflect on the last few years and my quasi-romantic relationships, I recognize that in lieu of actual affection (I’m not an affectionate person) I found other ways to express my feelings. I was supportive and offered advice or guidance when asked. I gave my undivided attention to my interest whenever we were in each other’s presence. The most foolish thing I did was spend money – offering it up freely as though I have a lot of money in the bank. I do well for myself at this stage in life but I really don’t have the means to support someone outside of me. I’ve had so many take advantage of me in different ways because I’m a giving person. I’ve allowed those people to rip the very soul out of me more than once. What’s sad is that I forgive them every time. The familiar saying “money can’t buy me love” rings true. Knowing this, I still attempted to use it as a means of holding on to someone. I equated expensive gestures to a deeper affection, if that makes sense. The more money I spent, the more I cared. Unfortunately, I entered faux relationships with persons who prey on that weakness. Of course, I was the idiot hurt when the “relationships” ended. I just have to make better choices for myself.
Fool me once, shame on you… fool me twice shame on me. I’m done playing the fool. I always put others needs and wants before my own but I can’t afford (literally) to do that anymore. The first person I need to make happy is me – time to start doing for me and not others.
