Flexing my creative muscle...

This is something I wrote a while ago and decided to go ahead and post it...

A Love That's So Wrong

My heart beats a little faster at the thought of you

Wishing you were here so I could hold you

The feelings I have for you run deeper than you'll ever know

Having you is a distant dream, a love that is never destined to grow

I'd spend my whole life showing you what's in my heart

But any expression of my feelings might ruin our friendship and tear us apart

I know you tend to think of me too

Though I doubt it's in the same way I think about you

I wish I could have you but we can never be

So I remain content only having you in my dreams

My Silent Suffering

It's been months since I've posted anything on here. I haven't had too much to say and I'm sure no one wants to hear me whine about not being able to find a job for the last 5 months. I actually have something I consider worthwhile to speak on because the subject is very close to my heart. I've been trying to write about it for the last month or so and finally found a little time to do it.

Many people are diagnosed with incurable diseases everyday. Some of those diseases, such as asthma, are manageable with the right treatment while others - like cancer - can be fatal. There are also many lesser known ailments that are incurable and not life threatening but cause a great deal of pain on a daily basis. I happen to be one of the "lucky" ones diagnosed with an incurable condition that isn't life-threatening, but can be debilitating once it progresses to a certain stage. Writing tends to be therapeutic for me and I wanted to share with my closest friends what I go through and how it's affected me.

A couple years ago, I was diagnosed with Hidradenitis Suppurativa (HS). HS is a skin disease that causes boils and abscesses to form in areas where hair grows and/or where skin rubs together. It is unknown what causes the disorder and there is no cure for it. It's most commonly found in the armpits, groin, and buttocks but can occur in many locations on the body. It is a disease that is more prevalent in women and those persons who have a history of acne. The disease occurs in 3 stages and get progressively worse as the sufferer moves to each stage. Some people never progress pass the 1st or 2nd stages while others can quickly hit the 3rd stage. In the 1st stage, large boils appear in the folds of the skin. In the 2nd stage, the boils harden and seep fluid worse than in the 1st stage. During the final stage, tunnels form around and in between the boils and scarring occurs. The pain is at its worst in this stage. This ends your crash course on HS. You can always google it to learn more.

I've actually been an HS sufferer since I was in high school. It started out as a boil on my tailbone that didn't re-occur very often. While in college, they began occurring in my armpits but I didn't get them a lot. Over the last couple years, they've turned into harden lumps under the skin that sometimes would come to a head but many times they didn't. Over the last 3-4 months, my condition has worsened and I'm almost always in pain. I'm not really sure what triggered the on-going flare ups but I can't seem to stop them. The longest break I had was 3 weeks and then the flare ups were back. I'm not really sure what stage I'm in but I'm pretty sure I'm past the 1st stage of the disease. I do know that this is some of the worst pain I've ever experienced and many days, all I want to do is lay in bed. I've joined a support group and visited a lot of other sites targeted at HS and have noticed that some people are actually on disability due to the disease. It scares me to think that later in life that could be me - in so much pain on a constant basis that I'm bedridden. What kind of life is that for anyone? I'm not really a person that cries much but the pain I've been in and the wondering of "why me?" has made me tear up on numerous occasions lately. I pray that a doctor can help me find a way to make it go into remission or that I can find a natural way to do so. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone.

Ball of Confusion

I can't believe it's been over 4 months since I last blogged. It's easy for me to remember things I want to do when I have structure. For me job=structure. I've let so many things fall by the wayside simply because I don't have a job. I'd schedule things on my calendar and make task lists so I accomplished all that I needed/wanted to. Now, I pretty much make promises I don't keep because I forget or remember a week or so later. It's not something that happens all of the time but occurs more then it should. I need to get it together.

Having lots of free time hasn't been totally unproductive. I visited friends in Stl and took an amazing, much needed vacation to Jamaica. I was able to spend a lot of time with a friend before she moved away. I've put more time and effort into my exercise program - the goal is to lose another 20 lbs before I go into maintenance mode. Yes, I know most people think I look small already but I'm still not at a healthy weight. 20 lbs is equal to approx. 6-7% body fat - about the amount I have left to lose. I'm hoping to hit that goal by the end of summer. Something I haven't done that I plan to do this month is start reading. I always buy good books but I'm usually too lazy to read them. With all this free time, I really have no excuse not to read right now.

When anyone loses their job, questions of and self-worth and competency always arise. I've come to the conclusion that I really have no clue what I want to do next. I've had tons of time to reflect on my life's direction and I've come to realize that it is a process. So many potential careers have crossed my mind - some more extreme than others. Do I want to stay on the project management or business analysis track? Maybe. Should I study for a certfication in Lean Six Sigma? Possibly. Should I take some time to become more fluid in SQL and other database languages in hopes of landing a database administration job? Not a bad idea.

The most off the wall idea thus far has been joining the military. I've had mixed reviews on the idea but most have been supportive. No, I am not trying to enlist. The military has officer options that would allow me to go to training school and be commisioned as an officer upon graduation. No prior military experience is required. Crazy enough, I've thought a lot about and it is a very real possibility for me. So real, I'm going to talk to a Navy recruiter tomorrow (6/4/09) about what they have to offer me. I was focused on the Navy and Air Force (leaning towards the Air Force) but have decided to look into every branch to see what would be the best fit for me. I'd always look at those military commericals for the Army, Marines, and Navy and never give a thought to joining. Now, as I go through my quarter-life crisis, joining one of these branches is sounding pretty good to me. The pay as an officer is not too shabby and the benefits far surpass those of a corporate job. The greatest benefit to me would be the ability to retire in 20 yrs! Who can beat that?! If I do decide to join the military, it won't be for some time. I have more research to do and some hardcore physical training to do in preparation for military boot camp. My trainer will be kicking my butt this summer - I already know it!

Even if I don't decide to do the military thing right now, I have considered looking for employment with the government or other businesses elsewhere. I just feel that there are more opportunities outside of MO/KS and maybe it's time for me to really strike out on my own and see how well I fair. I've always had friends or family near me so moving to the east or west coast by myself would be a huge challenge and a new adventure - something I feel I'm ready for.

Everything is up in the air at this point. I just continue to pray that God will order my steps.