Through With Love... For Now...

I keep telling myself that this season will pass... that all of the hurt, the pain, the darkness will fade away in due time.  Upon reflection, I realized I have been in a constant state of chaos for many months now.  I allowed someone to take control of my life - break me down mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.  I was lost in what I thought was love and I allowed that "love" to drain me.  The Bible tells us what love is: patient, kind, not proud, not rude or self-seeking, and keeps no records of wrongs... it protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres. I was blind to this definition and found love to be impatient, disrespectful, and manipulative.  I became someone that those who know me well no longer recognized.  They could see the pain in my eyes, the change in my behavior... my smile had faded.  I forgot who I am and whose I am.  My life has not been my own for over a year, but now it's time to take it back.  I have more bad days than good but I know that will change with time.  I'm thankful to those who have covered me in love over the last several months.  Without them, I don't know where I'd be right now.  They've helped me maintain some semblance of sanity.  Thanks for lending an ear, offering advice, giving me a shoulder to cry on. I love each and every one of you. 

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It is said that slow and steady wins the race,

In the race for you heart I’ll make sure to keep that pace.

If we move too fast, the race may abruptly end,

There is no victor; the chance to win your heart is over before it begins.

For history proves that the swift endure the most pain and devastation,

And the ending comes as a result of failure and tribulation.

The obstacles faced come so quickly they are difficult to manage,

Eventually stopped in our tracks, the lead is lost and there is no advancement.

Keeping the pace slow yields the greatest reward,

The path to the finish line is not easy; the effort required is more.

Hurdles met are trivial and less of a distraction,

An open mind, open heart, and patience are keys in the plan of action.

So in this race for you heart I’ll make sure to keep a solid pace,

Here’s to hoping that slow and steady REALLY wins the race.

You're My Little Secret

Unbeknownst to many associates and friends, I've been in a relationship for almost 4 months now. I feel so out of practice.  I dated someone for a couple months last year but it never felt real because of the distance.  The last real relationship I was in began in Summer '01 and ended Spring '02.  The 9 month long courtship was my longest and commenced after several years of talking in secrecy.  When we finally decided to make it official, I'll admit that things were very one-sided.  I lacked much emotion and rarely showed affection publicly or privately.  I was too stubborn and selfish to truly open my heart up to someone.  It took me years to realize that I was the culprit in the culmination of that relationship.  Years have passed since then and I've had many come in and out of my life during that 10 year drought.  I've had much time to mature as a woman and develop that emotional aspect that's so important in any relationship.  In recent years I've "dated" a few that I expected to be around for the long-term.  For various reasons, none of which were any fault of mine, those relationships did not last.  One thing is evident, the emotional evolution that should have taken place never did.  I still acted as if I was a teenager in high school who was emotionally disconnected.  When pondering why, I came to the conclusion that no one was able to take me to that place of emotional vulnerability.

Now we fast forward to Summer '12.  For about 3-4 months prior to June, I was living it up and enjoying life as any single person should.  I was truly blind-sided by the beautiful surprise that entered my life.  I wasn't seeking to be with anyone - was finally living for me which I hadn't done in a while. For the first time in my life I've found someone who's completely into me, loves me whole-heartedly, and wants nothing but love in return.  Sounds like a recipe for happiness, right?  Well it is, but we've had some rough times.  We're very different people that are at different stages in life.  When times are good, they're great.  When things are bad, the arguing can be compared to armageddon.  We argue about many different things but recently the arguments have centered around my lack of emotion.  I do have to say that I've made great strides in this area since being in this relationship but I'm a work in progress.  Due to the nature of the fighting, we decided to give each other a little space.  It's not like we see each other much due to my crazy work schedule but we are in constant communication.  It hasn't even been 24 hours since we mutually agreed on a break but it's already killing me.  I heard Ne-Yo's "Lazy Love" and Joe's "Closer" on the way back to work from lunch and was uncharacteristically emotional.  I was so overwhelmed that I actually sat in my car and cried for about 5 minutes.  Doesn't seem like much time but for a person like me, it's an eternity.  I know we're not broken up but I wasn't expecting to feel so much pain behind it.  I do believe that both of us need time to lead our lives independent of one another for a little while but the infrequent contact will be difficult.

If you read this, I need you to know that I care for you and I always miss you when we're apart.  You have a special place in my heart that is only reserved for you.