Unbeknownst to many associates and friends, I've been in a relationship for almost 4 months now. I feel so out of practice. I dated someone for a couple months last year but it never felt real because of the distance. The last real relationship I was in began in Summer '01 and ended Spring '02. The 9 month long courtship was my longest and commenced after several years of talking in secrecy. When we finally decided to make it official, I'll admit that things were very one-sided. I lacked much emotion and rarely showed affection publicly or privately. I was too stubborn and selfish to truly open my heart up to someone. It took me years to realize that I was the culprit in the culmination of that relationship. Years have passed since then and I've had many come in and out of my life during that 10 year drought. I've had much time to mature as a woman and develop that emotional aspect that's so important in any relationship. In recent years I've "dated" a few that I expected to be around for the long-term. For various reasons, none of which were any fault of mine, those relationships did not last. One thing is evident, the emotional evolution that should have taken place never did. I still acted as if I was a teenager in high school who was emotionally disconnected. When pondering why, I came to the conclusion that no one was able to take me to that place of emotional vulnerability.
Now we fast forward to Summer '12. For about 3-4 months prior to June, I was living it up and enjoying life as any single person should. I was truly blind-sided by the beautiful surprise that entered my life. I wasn't seeking to be with anyone - was finally living for me which I hadn't done in a while. For the first time in my life I've found someone who's completely into me, loves me whole-heartedly, and wants nothing but love in return. Sounds like a recipe for happiness, right? Well it is, but we've had some rough times. We're very different people that are at different stages in life. When times are good, they're great. When things are bad, the arguing can be compared to armageddon. We argue about many different things but recently the arguments have centered around my lack of emotion. I do have to say that I've made great strides in this area since being in this relationship but I'm a work in progress. Due to the nature of the fighting, we decided to give each other a little space. It's not like we see each other much due to my crazy work schedule but we are in constant communication. It hasn't even been 24 hours since we mutually agreed on a break but it's already killing me. I heard Ne-Yo's "Lazy Love" and Joe's "Closer" on the way back to work from lunch and was uncharacteristically emotional. I was so overwhelmed that I actually sat in my car and cried for about 5 minutes. Doesn't seem like much time but for a person like me, it's an eternity. I know we're not broken up but I wasn't expecting to feel so much pain behind it. I do believe that both of us need time to lead our lives independent of one another for a little while but the infrequent contact will be difficult.
If you read this, I need you to know that I care for you and I always miss you when we're apart. You have a special place in my heart that is only reserved for you.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Argument: New Age Rap vs. Old School
I was reading an article in reference to the newest controversy in the rap genre - Nicki Minaj backing out of Hot 97's Summer Jam in New York. She backed out based on a comment made by Peter Rosenberg (Hot 97 DJ) in reference to her song "Starships". In so many words, he said he believes the song is crap and is the most sell-out song in rap history. Reading a little bit of the back story behind his comment intrigued me and sparked a need to speak on the situation.
I'll be the first to say that I am not a fan of Nicki Minaj or rap in general though I indulge in it from time to time. When I do listen, I prefer the conscious rappers like Common, Talib Kweli, Mos Def, etc. because the content of their material has substance (disclaimer: just my opinion). I digress. Rosenberg's diss of "Starships", comes from the standpoint of a "classicist", or as I call him, a purist. He's entitled to his opinion, although that was not the best forum to state it. I'm sure many purists of the art form share a similar opinion of her song. It is "pop-ish" in nature which is a big driver behind it's commercial success. But to single out "Starships" is not really fair. It has been a trend since possibly the late 90s (and early as the new millenium) for certain rap artists to "sell-out" for commercial/mainstream success. Look at Ja Rule, Eminem, and dare I say Lil' Wayne - all of which broke away from the grimy lyrics and hardcore beats and traded them in for light-hearted lyrics and pop-inspired beats. These are some of the artists that helped usher rap into the mainstream. I can't hate on their hustle because at the end of the day it's all about making money. Honestly, the rappers of yester-years weren't extremely profitable with a small segment/niche of listeners. By going mainstream, the rap artists of today have expanded their audience and increased their earning potential. It's a simple business/marketing concept at work here. Cater to a few (niche) and you'll always have a loyal fan base with a sustainable level of profitability. Cater to the masses and you're sure to lose some loyalists but your fan base is sure to at least double, along with your profitability. Every action/decision has an opportunity cost (losing fans in this instance) but when the pockets are deepened, do you think the rapper really cares? I think not.
So, all this to say what? I actually don't agree with the notion that these rap artists are selling out. Music, in all its forms, will evolve - that's what has happened over the course of history. There was a composer or artist who wanted to shake things up and usher in a new sound. Is there anything wrong with it? Not at all. It just draws greater creativity out of current artists and makes everyone think outside of the box. Steve Jobs, Mozart, and the Sugar Hill Gang all have one thing in common - they pushed the envelope - and are heralded as trailblazers and innovators. So do we have to call rappers that go "commercial" sell-outs because they pushed the envelope of their artistry to appeal to a broader range of listeners? I don't believe so, but it's only my opinion - I'm sure there are many who don't agree. I call it evolving. I can guarantee that the infusion of pop into Rap will become a new norm. If you look at R&B/Hip-Hop, Chris Brown and Usher are currently doing the same thing. Usher's sound has changed dramatically since his Confessions album and Chris Brown's F.A.M.E had a different sound/feel to it. They both have infused dance/techno type sounds in their music which has broadened their appeal to the masses. Like I said before, don't knock an artist's hustle when the paper is stackin'. As much as I don't like Nicki Minaj, she's gettin paper off her "commercialized music' and helping to change the game in the process. Do ya thing Nicki.
I'll be the first to say that I am not a fan of Nicki Minaj or rap in general though I indulge in it from time to time. When I do listen, I prefer the conscious rappers like Common, Talib Kweli, Mos Def, etc. because the content of their material has substance (disclaimer: just my opinion). I digress. Rosenberg's diss of "Starships", comes from the standpoint of a "classicist", or as I call him, a purist. He's entitled to his opinion, although that was not the best forum to state it. I'm sure many purists of the art form share a similar opinion of her song. It is "pop-ish" in nature which is a big driver behind it's commercial success. But to single out "Starships" is not really fair. It has been a trend since possibly the late 90s (and early as the new millenium) for certain rap artists to "sell-out" for commercial/mainstream success. Look at Ja Rule, Eminem, and dare I say Lil' Wayne - all of which broke away from the grimy lyrics and hardcore beats and traded them in for light-hearted lyrics and pop-inspired beats. These are some of the artists that helped usher rap into the mainstream. I can't hate on their hustle because at the end of the day it's all about making money. Honestly, the rappers of yester-years weren't extremely profitable with a small segment/niche of listeners. By going mainstream, the rap artists of today have expanded their audience and increased their earning potential. It's a simple business/marketing concept at work here. Cater to a few (niche) and you'll always have a loyal fan base with a sustainable level of profitability. Cater to the masses and you're sure to lose some loyalists but your fan base is sure to at least double, along with your profitability. Every action/decision has an opportunity cost (losing fans in this instance) but when the pockets are deepened, do you think the rapper really cares? I think not.
So, all this to say what? I actually don't agree with the notion that these rap artists are selling out. Music, in all its forms, will evolve - that's what has happened over the course of history. There was a composer or artist who wanted to shake things up and usher in a new sound. Is there anything wrong with it? Not at all. It just draws greater creativity out of current artists and makes everyone think outside of the box. Steve Jobs, Mozart, and the Sugar Hill Gang all have one thing in common - they pushed the envelope - and are heralded as trailblazers and innovators. So do we have to call rappers that go "commercial" sell-outs because they pushed the envelope of their artistry to appeal to a broader range of listeners? I don't believe so, but it's only my opinion - I'm sure there are many who don't agree. I call it evolving. I can guarantee that the infusion of pop into Rap will become a new norm. If you look at R&B/Hip-Hop, Chris Brown and Usher are currently doing the same thing. Usher's sound has changed dramatically since his Confessions album and Chris Brown's F.A.M.E had a different sound/feel to it. They both have infused dance/techno type sounds in their music which has broadened their appeal to the masses. Like I said before, don't knock an artist's hustle when the paper is stackin'. As much as I don't like Nicki Minaj, she's gettin paper off her "commercialized music' and helping to change the game in the process. Do ya thing Nicki.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Finally Living for Me
It's said that there's always sunshine after the rain... I'd like to know when my storm is going to end. You get tired of the rain when it seems to fall infinitely. Just when the sun starts to appear, another shower falls and turns into a raging storm. The storm may subside but the rain continues to fall. I ask the Lord, "why me?" or "will the storm ever end?" I try to do right by myself and others and put my all into anything I do or any relationships (platonic or romantic) I have but my all never seems to be good enough for some. When will I finally get my chance at true happiness? To be honest, I haven’t been 100% happy in years. This shit (excuse the language) is for the birds. We all have the free will to make decisions for ourselves and it seems as if my decisions are mainly at my detriment. Initially, the decision seems to be a good one until all goes awry. I’m not purposely sabotaging myself for self-imposed torture; it’s more of impatience. In general, I’m a logical person but when it comes to my happiness, the heart tends to overshadow my better judgment. Those who know me well are aware that the strong and tough persona is somewhat of a façade. I can be quite emotional but never show it. I don’t want others to see that sensitive side because I perceive it as weakness.
As I reflect on the last few years and my quasi-romantic relationships, I recognize that in lieu of actual affection (I’m not an affectionate person) I found other ways to express my feelings. I was supportive and offered advice or guidance when asked. I gave my undivided attention to my interest whenever we were in each other’s presence. The most foolish thing I did was spend money – offering it up freely as though I have a lot of money in the bank. I do well for myself at this stage in life but I really don’t have the means to support someone outside of me. I’ve had so many take advantage of me in different ways because I’m a giving person. I’ve allowed those people to rip the very soul out of me more than once. What’s sad is that I forgive them every time. The familiar saying “money can’t buy me love” rings true. Knowing this, I still attempted to use it as a means of holding on to someone. I equated expensive gestures to a deeper affection, if that makes sense. The more money I spent, the more I cared. Unfortunately, I entered faux relationships with persons who prey on that weakness. Of course, I was the idiot hurt when the “relationships” ended. I just have to make better choices for myself.
Fool me once, shame on you… fool me twice shame on me. I’m done playing the fool. I always put others needs and wants before my own but I can’t afford (literally) to do that anymore. The first person I need to make happy is me – time to start doing for me and not others.
Friday, February 3, 2012
A New Beginning - 2012
It's Friday, I have tons of work to do but don't have the motivation to get anything done. Figured I could do something more productive with my time - write a new blog post! :) I started on this post back in January so I'll try to get it done today...
As 2011 came to a close, I reflected on the joys and pains of the year. I managed to maintain a stable job, met some incredible people, lost a few friends while gaining new ones, strengthened some friendships, experienced heartbreak, left the nest (for the 2nd time), reconnected w/ family, met new family, and had my faith tested. The road will never be easy but the journey is what molds us into who we are. The positive will always outweigh the negative but the negative sure does leave the most lasting impression. I lost a few friends, but that’s life. The loss of a friend or multiple friends has never affected me much. Some friendships aren’t meant to last forever – I accepted that at a young age. It is said that friends will either be in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. If a friend exits, they’ve served their purpose.
On a more personal level, I had my heartbroken not once but twice. I’m still trying to figure out which heartbreak was worse! My “faux relationship” lasted a year and a half before coming to an end. I was never truly happy. Constantly wondering why we were still “just friends” and if we would ever be more. All of the worrying ceased when I learned I was the other chick. How he was able to keep up the charade for so long is amazing to me. When has lying ever been a better option than telling the truth? After suffering through that loss early in the year I moved on to someone new. In hindsight I realized we moved way too fast. I needed someone to get my mind off of the heartache and this person came into my life at the right time. It was one of those whirlwind romances with great highs and a few not so good lows but I enjoyed it. I was sick to my stomach when that came to an end. I cannot tell a lie feelings still exist... we'll see what happens. Surprisingly, I still speak to both of them - it's the Pisces in me.
On a positive note, some great people have entered my life - new friends and family - which I'm truly grateful for. I reconnected with many family members that I'd lost touch with over the years. Last summer, I took a trip to Iowa for a great aunt's bday celebration and met a slew of family I never knew existed. It was awesome!! Looking forward to the Jackson/Winfrey Family Reunion this summer. Tragedy and new opportunities have allowed me to reconnect with some friends and grow closer to others. I look forward to deeper connections with family and continued growth in friendships in 2012.
I can only pray that God will open so many more doors for me in 2012 - spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. I've always believed that God has a plan laid out for us and we're given the free will to make decisions that will either keep us on that path or lead us away from it. The obstacles/struggles are tests of our faith in His will. Some people fulfill their destiny quicker than others but as I said before, the journey is what shapes who we are and what we will become. Struggle builds character.
As 2011 came to a close, I reflected on the joys and pains of the year. I managed to maintain a stable job, met some incredible people, lost a few friends while gaining new ones, strengthened some friendships, experienced heartbreak, left the nest (for the 2nd time), reconnected w/ family, met new family, and had my faith tested. The road will never be easy but the journey is what molds us into who we are. The positive will always outweigh the negative but the negative sure does leave the most lasting impression. I lost a few friends, but that’s life. The loss of a friend or multiple friends has never affected me much. Some friendships aren’t meant to last forever – I accepted that at a young age. It is said that friends will either be in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. If a friend exits, they’ve served their purpose.
On a more personal level, I had my heartbroken not once but twice. I’m still trying to figure out which heartbreak was worse! My “faux relationship” lasted a year and a half before coming to an end. I was never truly happy. Constantly wondering why we were still “just friends” and if we would ever be more. All of the worrying ceased when I learned I was the other chick. How he was able to keep up the charade for so long is amazing to me. When has lying ever been a better option than telling the truth? After suffering through that loss early in the year I moved on to someone new. In hindsight I realized we moved way too fast. I needed someone to get my mind off of the heartache and this person came into my life at the right time. It was one of those whirlwind romances with great highs and a few not so good lows but I enjoyed it. I was sick to my stomach when that came to an end. I cannot tell a lie feelings still exist... we'll see what happens. Surprisingly, I still speak to both of them - it's the Pisces in me.
On a positive note, some great people have entered my life - new friends and family - which I'm truly grateful for. I reconnected with many family members that I'd lost touch with over the years. Last summer, I took a trip to Iowa for a great aunt's bday celebration and met a slew of family I never knew existed. It was awesome!! Looking forward to the Jackson/Winfrey Family Reunion this summer. Tragedy and new opportunities have allowed me to reconnect with some friends and grow closer to others. I look forward to deeper connections with family and continued growth in friendships in 2012.
I can only pray that God will open so many more doors for me in 2012 - spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. I've always believed that God has a plan laid out for us and we're given the free will to make decisions that will either keep us on that path or lead us away from it. The obstacles/struggles are tests of our faith in His will. Some people fulfill their destiny quicker than others but as I said before, the journey is what shapes who we are and what we will become. Struggle builds character.
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