A Wonderful Change Has Come Over Me

Amazing how the course you see for yourself is never in God's plan.  We all are pawns in the game of life, given the free will to make decisions.  Sometimes those decisions lead to happiness, other times we experience sadness.  Ultimately, the decisions we make shape the people we become.  The last two years have been a series of life lessons for me.  I know if I didn't have the love and support of my family or my spirituality, I would probably be on a path to self-destruction.  The person I was even 5 years ago is completely different from the person I am today.  To be honest, the person I was in June is not the same person I am today.  The hardship I've gone through personally and professionally opened my eyes to how cold the world can really be.  My family and friends have always been in my corner - providing words of encouragement and reminding me that I am a child of God so nothing can keep me down.  That same hardship that opened my eyes to the negativity of the world opened my eyes to the glory and favor of God.  Any situation I've dealt with - positive or negative - was meant for my good.  It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel in the midst of the storm.  For a while, my heart was hardened and I slowly lost sight of who I am.  Each situation, each failure dug me deeper into a hole that I wasn't able to dig out of.  I hit rock bottom a couple times but continued to wear a smile and be there for others as if nothing had gone wrong in my world.  I held so much inside and tried to deal with things on my own.  Many decisions I made were in hopes that something or someone was the solution to my problems.  In the midst of the turmoil, I continued to pray and ask God to order my steps.  I don't doubt that He was walking with me but I chose to veer off course.

All of the disappointment, pain, and hurt led to my breakthrough.  A few weeks ago I was watching an episode of Sunday Best I recorded.  It was the show prior to the finale.  The 2 finalists didn't move me with their first selection.  The second song choices for both ladies brought me to tears.  Andrea Helms belted out "Change" and Amber Bullock so beautifully sang "For Every Mountain".  As the Spirit moved through them, it moved through me as well.  I began to think about the trials and tribulations of the last couple years and realized I was tired of hurting.  I was tired of being upset.  I was tired of harboring feelings of resentment, contempt, and vengeance.  I was tired of making irrational decisions and not living my life for me.  At that point I had an emotional breakdown and asked the Lord to come into my heart and remove all of the negativity.  At that moment, I forgave myself and everyone who had ever wronged me.  I was changed for the better.  I was able to let go and let God have His way.  I've been a more positive person since that day and have actually mended some broken relationships.  I still have some work to do but as they say, "Rome wasn't built in a day".  Everything in its own time.  All of this has brought me closer to God, allowing me to be a positive influence on others as I've always wanted to be.  Every struggle is a life lesson.  If you don't learn from it then you continue to drown in a sea of abyss.  Personal choices do affect your life, and how they affect your life is up to you.