My Silent Suffering

It's been months since I've posted anything on here. I haven't had too much to say and I'm sure no one wants to hear me whine about not being able to find a job for the last 5 months. I actually have something I consider worthwhile to speak on because the subject is very close to my heart. I've been trying to write about it for the last month or so and finally found a little time to do it.

Many people are diagnosed with incurable diseases everyday. Some of those diseases, such as asthma, are manageable with the right treatment while others - like cancer - can be fatal. There are also many lesser known ailments that are incurable and not life threatening but cause a great deal of pain on a daily basis. I happen to be one of the "lucky" ones diagnosed with an incurable condition that isn't life-threatening, but can be debilitating once it progresses to a certain stage. Writing tends to be therapeutic for me and I wanted to share with my closest friends what I go through and how it's affected me.

A couple years ago, I was diagnosed with Hidradenitis Suppurativa (HS). HS is a skin disease that causes boils and abscesses to form in areas where hair grows and/or where skin rubs together. It is unknown what causes the disorder and there is no cure for it. It's most commonly found in the armpits, groin, and buttocks but can occur in many locations on the body. It is a disease that is more prevalent in women and those persons who have a history of acne. The disease occurs in 3 stages and get progressively worse as the sufferer moves to each stage. Some people never progress pass the 1st or 2nd stages while others can quickly hit the 3rd stage. In the 1st stage, large boils appear in the folds of the skin. In the 2nd stage, the boils harden and seep fluid worse than in the 1st stage. During the final stage, tunnels form around and in between the boils and scarring occurs. The pain is at its worst in this stage. This ends your crash course on HS. You can always google it to learn more.

I've actually been an HS sufferer since I was in high school. It started out as a boil on my tailbone that didn't re-occur very often. While in college, they began occurring in my armpits but I didn't get them a lot. Over the last couple years, they've turned into harden lumps under the skin that sometimes would come to a head but many times they didn't. Over the last 3-4 months, my condition has worsened and I'm almost always in pain. I'm not really sure what triggered the on-going flare ups but I can't seem to stop them. The longest break I had was 3 weeks and then the flare ups were back. I'm not really sure what stage I'm in but I'm pretty sure I'm past the 1st stage of the disease. I do know that this is some of the worst pain I've ever experienced and many days, all I want to do is lay in bed. I've joined a support group and visited a lot of other sites targeted at HS and have noticed that some people are actually on disability due to the disease. It scares me to think that later in life that could be me - in so much pain on a constant basis that I'm bedridden. What kind of life is that for anyone? I'm not really a person that cries much but the pain I've been in and the wondering of "why me?" has made me tear up on numerous occasions lately. I pray that a doctor can help me find a way to make it go into remission or that I can find a natural way to do so. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone.

Ball of Confusion

I can't believe it's been over 4 months since I last blogged. It's easy for me to remember things I want to do when I have structure. For me job=structure. I've let so many things fall by the wayside simply because I don't have a job. I'd schedule things on my calendar and make task lists so I accomplished all that I needed/wanted to. Now, I pretty much make promises I don't keep because I forget or remember a week or so later. It's not something that happens all of the time but occurs more then it should. I need to get it together.

Having lots of free time hasn't been totally unproductive. I visited friends in Stl and took an amazing, much needed vacation to Jamaica. I was able to spend a lot of time with a friend before she moved away. I've put more time and effort into my exercise program - the goal is to lose another 20 lbs before I go into maintenance mode. Yes, I know most people think I look small already but I'm still not at a healthy weight. 20 lbs is equal to approx. 6-7% body fat - about the amount I have left to lose. I'm hoping to hit that goal by the end of summer. Something I haven't done that I plan to do this month is start reading. I always buy good books but I'm usually too lazy to read them. With all this free time, I really have no excuse not to read right now.

When anyone loses their job, questions of and self-worth and competency always arise. I've come to the conclusion that I really have no clue what I want to do next. I've had tons of time to reflect on my life's direction and I've come to realize that it is a process. So many potential careers have crossed my mind - some more extreme than others. Do I want to stay on the project management or business analysis track? Maybe. Should I study for a certfication in Lean Six Sigma? Possibly. Should I take some time to become more fluid in SQL and other database languages in hopes of landing a database administration job? Not a bad idea.

The most off the wall idea thus far has been joining the military. I've had mixed reviews on the idea but most have been supportive. No, I am not trying to enlist. The military has officer options that would allow me to go to training school and be commisioned as an officer upon graduation. No prior military experience is required. Crazy enough, I've thought a lot about and it is a very real possibility for me. So real, I'm going to talk to a Navy recruiter tomorrow (6/4/09) about what they have to offer me. I was focused on the Navy and Air Force (leaning towards the Air Force) but have decided to look into every branch to see what would be the best fit for me. I'd always look at those military commericals for the Army, Marines, and Navy and never give a thought to joining. Now, as I go through my quarter-life crisis, joining one of these branches is sounding pretty good to me. The pay as an officer is not too shabby and the benefits far surpass those of a corporate job. The greatest benefit to me would be the ability to retire in 20 yrs! Who can beat that?! If I do decide to join the military, it won't be for some time. I have more research to do and some hardcore physical training to do in preparation for military boot camp. My trainer will be kicking my butt this summer - I already know it!

Even if I don't decide to do the military thing right now, I have considered looking for employment with the government or other businesses elsewhere. I just feel that there are more opportunities outside of MO/KS and maybe it's time for me to really strike out on my own and see how well I fair. I've always had friends or family near me so moving to the east or west coast by myself would be a huge challenge and a new adventure - something I feel I'm ready for.

Everything is up in the air at this point. I just continue to pray that God will order my steps.

What's Your New Year's Resolution?

Disclaimer: I wrote this two weeks ago but didn't want to bombard everyone with blogs last week so I waited until this week to send.


Throughout life we go through a series of transformations triggered by some sort of event or situation. A period of introspection follows the event or situation that causes one to feel a change is needed. That change is either physical, mental, spiritual, or directional in nature. An event that usually initiates a desire for change is the beginning of a new year. For many, a new year means a new beginning. Millions of people make new year resolutions each year in hopes that they can start over and do things differently. The change might be as simple as making an effort to attend church service more often, or as complex as figuring out one's life ambition. If one follows through with that change, some sort of transformation is inevitable. I usually don't make New Year's resolutions because I never keep them. They're usually a string of unrealistic statements that I forget about a month later. A day or so after Jan 1st, I was reflecting on my life and realized that I need to make some changes so I felt compelled to make a short list of realistic resolutions for 2009. The over-arching theme here is self-improvement.

1. Be less critical of others decisions and situations
On a few occasions during the past year I was told that I'm judgemental. I was taken aback the first time I heard it but soon realized that I am indeed judgemental, though I feel critical is a better description. I know all of my friends can attest to me being very opinionated about their situations with men. That might be an understatement, lol. It's just me showing that I care and don't want them to get hurt. Regardless, I know I need to step back and let each person do what they feel and not give my two cents all the time. So in 2009, I promise to try my hardest to keep my opinions to myself no matter how I feel about one's choices. If you catch me slipping up just remind me of my New Year's resolution :)

2. Strengthen my relationship with God
If you're a religious person, this is probably something you're constantly working towards. I go to church every Sunday and have always lived my life by a certain moral standard - trying to do what is right in the eyes of God. These things are all well and good but there's so much more to building a relationship with Him. Reading the Bible daily and trusting in God wholeheartedly will help fortify my relationship with Him. There's a gospel song that was released early last year by Kansas City native DeWayne Woods titled, "Let Go". The premise of the song is to trust in God and believe in His will. No matter what your circumstances are, let go and let God have His way. Letting go is an ongoing struggle for me but I know it's essential to strengthening my faith. Learning not to lean on my understanding and acknowledge the Lord in all I do is a step in the right direction.

3. Evaluate relationships
We all are guilty of holding on to friends, exes, romantic interests, acquaintences because we're afraid to let go. I've mentioned this in other posts but people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Most people you come in contact with will probably fill the first two categories. Once a person's reason is gone or their season is up, it's time to move on. In 2009, I'm letting some relationships dwindle and putting more effort into those with persons who remain loyal.

So what's your new year's resolution(s)?

President Barack Obama's Inauguration Day

All party affiliations aside, today was an amazing day for the United States and the world. Barack Obama is officially the 44th president and 1st Black president of the United States. Although I wasn't in DC with other friends and family to witness this event, the front seat I had right in front of the TV was just as good. I, with my mom, dad, and younger sis, watched Obama take his presidential oath and give his Inaugural speech. The speech he gave was so inspirational and echoed his message of hope and change. The economy is in turmoil and although he's charged with fixing this mess, we share responsibility in righting this ship.

There were a few passages of his Inaugural address that left a lasting impression on me:

"We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness."

"...Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task. "

A truly beautiful speech. If you missed the Inaugural address, I suggest googling the text of the speech so you can read it.

So what does this day mean to you? Does it carry any significance? For me this day represents change and the realization of a dream. News announcers keep stressing the importance of this day for Black Americans but this day just doesn't belong to my people. This is a day that we all can take pride in. This is OUR history - a day we will remember for the rest of our lives. I'm elated, jubilant, blessed, and truly proud to be an American.

By the way, did anyone else watch the Neighborhood Ball? The first dance President Obama and Mrs. Obama shared while Beyonce sang Etta James's "At Last" was so touching. All of today's events were incredible.

We Remember Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

It's fitting that the eve of a historical inauguration falls on Martin Luther King Day. Today we celebrate a man who spent his life spreading the message of racial equality. I think we all take for granted the liberties we enjoy now that seemed like a distant dream 40 years ago. During my pastor's message yesterday, she spent time reciting the majority of MLK's "I Have a Dream" speech. These two passages struck a chord with me:

"I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood..."
"...I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers."

At that particular moment, I thought about how fortunate I am to freely hang with my white friends and not be ridiculed, beaten, lynched, etc for doing so. To think that I'd miss out on having great friends due to my skin color seems absurd, but that was the reality of so many back then. Can you imagine going to a concert and having to sit in the "whites only" or "colored only" section? Or going to use a water fountain labeled "whites only" or "colored only"? It's those little freedoms we now enjoy that many of us just don't give a second thought to.

So on today, we honor Dr. King's memory and I for one thank him for his tireless crusade against civil injustices and his fight for equality. I leave you with this final quote from MLK's famous speech:

"And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, 'Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!'"